A kinky funny story always cheers me up. Unfortunately, dirty jokes are not meant for the little ones. They often have child-forbidden topics, and their endings make most people blush.
Humor today, however, has to pay a lot of attention to “politically correctness.” But here at The Laugh Club, we think you can joke about almost anything.
That’s why we’ve chosen ten of our favorite dirty jokes for you—though remember that most of them are NSFW.
I hope you get a few good laughs. Sensitive readers, be warned.
1. The three ex-husbands
A middle-aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night, they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel, and the bride says to her new groom, “Please promise to be gentle… I’m still a virgin.”
The startled groom says, “How can that be? You’ve been married three times before.”
“Well, you see, it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”
“My second husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”
“And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was…God, I miss him!”
2. The pickle slicer incident
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?” “Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to insert my penis into the pickle slicer?” His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
3. The blonde at the psychologist
Natalie, a pretty but distraught blonde model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “As soon as I get a drop of alcohol in my body, I just want to ravish whoever’s in front of me. I get way too horny. My instincts just take over me.”
“I see,” said the male psychiatrist. “Let’s take it one step at a time! Sit down on the couch over there. We’ll discuss this issue calmly. I’ll just get some drinks going first…”
4. A man knows what he wants
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $4.50
HAND JOB: $15.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. “Can I help you?” she asks. “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”
5. An old lady’s problem
An old lady tells her doctor, “I have this problem with passing gas, but it doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells, and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell, and it’s silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The following week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor says, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.”
6. A Man and his Son… and Puppies
A man and his young son walk together in a park, and they stumble upon two dogs having sex. The son asks, “Daddy, Daddy! What are those dogs doing?” to which the man replies, “Son, those dogs are making puppies.” His son seems to understand.
One day, a few weeks later, the child walks in on his parents having sex. So, of course, he asks, “Daddy! What are you doing?” The man, blushing, responds, “Well, son… we’re making babies.”
The child then says, “Flip her over! I want puppies!!”
7. The teacher’s revenge
The teachers announce to the students:
“Tomorrow is the most important exam of the year, and I won’t accept any excuses if you miss it! Maybe a nuclear holocaust, a severe injury, or the death of a relative, but that’s it! So you better bring a note if you miss class!”
All the students nod in agreement, except for the class’ joker:
“But what if tomorrow I’m completely exhausted from… you know… intense sexual activity?”
“Well, then I guess you can write with your other hand….”
8. Old couple in the park
An old couple is sitting on a park seat, side by side.
The husband leans over to his wife, says, “Fuck you,” and smiles.
The wife turns to him, also smiling, and replies, “Fuck you too, dear.”
They both sit in silence for a few minutes before the wife turns again to her husband.
“Dear, I can’t say I’m a big fan of this oral sex.”
9. The young woman at the pharmacy
One day a young woman walks into a pharmacy. When it’s her turn, she asks the clerk if they sold extra-large condoms.
“Yes, we do. Do you want to buy some?”
“No, the woman answers. But is it okay if I stay here and wait until a man comes and wants to?”
10. Daughter’s comment
A mother and her five-year-old daughter are driving down a highway when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield.
Daughter: Mommy, what was that?
Mom: (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug, honey. Don’t worry about it.
a few seconds of silence
Daughter: Well, that bug had a huge dick.
I hope these dirty jokes gave you a few good laughs!
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